Happy Birthday, Hotohori!
by Absolut Emai
Summary: It's Hotohori's big day. What joys await him? Waffles....
1. Hotohori is sexy

Haha! Hello everybody. Thanks for reading. I just started reading FY (just finished vol. 3), so for the moment I lack a deep understanding of the villian-people. However, I believe I make up for it sufficiently.. .nyeheheheh. Something I don't make up for, though, is the lack of characters I'm not aware of yet. All I can say is, tough – you'll enjoy it anyway, because I said you would ^_^  
  
-Happy Birthday, Hotohori!-  
  
Hongnan palace. A magnificent structure, graced by the most exquisite gardens and ponds. Home to the Emperor Hotohori, famed for his wisdom and beauty. A place where affairs of state were taken care of, and sumptuous banquets were held for royal guests.  
  
But today was different.  
  
"DING DING! Time to wake up Hotohorio!"  
  
Miaka, the rather impetuous priestess of Suzaku, straddled the sleeping Hotohori and shook his shoulders. Hotohori's eyes slowly opened, calm and relaxed at the sight of his beloved, even amidst the jarring and shaking. Suddenly feeling rather silly, Miaka ceased and desisted. Hotohori gazed into her eyes and lifted a hand up to stroke her cheek.  
  
"Miaka... how I wish I could wake up like this every morning of my life..."  
  
Miaka's arms flew up into the air. "ME TOO!" she exclaimed before toppling over the side of the bed. Hotohori rolled over and looked at the girl, admiring the elegance of the Xes where her eyes used to be.  
  
"Ahh, she twitches so peacefully, like a horse does when a fly lands on it and it can't swish it away with its tail and it doesn't fly away and so the horse has to twitch its skin but sometimes that doesn't work and—"  
  
At that moment, one of the emperor's servants entered the chamber. He noticed Miaka lying on the floor, and proceeded to ignore her and bow humbly.  
  
"Your majesty," he said, his old face wrinkling a bit more with each word, "breakfast awaits in the dining hall..."  
  
"Thank you, Cao Cao. What's on the menu for today?"  
  
"Selection is scant today, my lord. We have but one dish for you."  
  
"Well, what is it?"  
  
The old man's mouth cracked into a benevolent smile. "Just waffles today, m'lord."  
  
Hotohori's eyes widened, and his face brightened with an inner glow none but those closest to him had ever witnessed."This," he thought, "is what happiness must truly be..."  
  
"Happy birthday, your majesty," the old man said with a chuckle before turning around. Hotohori jumped up (naked ^_^) and wrapped a plaid bathrobe around his sexiness. He picked up the unconscious priestess and slung her over his shoulder. Today was going to be a big day. 


	2. The hills are alive with the smell of wa...

Since Hotohori was naturally a very shy person, the only people who had ever heard him sing were those who had overheard him by chance singing to himself in the garden in his youth. He had a rich, mellifluous baritone voice that would strike any celebrity singer with a pang of envy. Hotohori knew this, too, and as he proceeded to the dining hall with a comatose Miaka, the overwhelming joy in his bosom drove him to release his talent with exaltant joy for all to hear:  
  
"The hills are alive.... with the smell of waffles....."  
  
He rounded a corner and came face-to-face with Nuriko, tears welling up in his eyes, his hands clasped together and held up to his chest. "Hotohori... that was beautiful..." He reached out and gently held Hotohori's face with his hands. Hotohori's expression turned from one of dreamy joy to one of grave seriousness.  
  
"Nuriko, let go of me. We" – he rethought his wording – "...I have important affairs to take care of in the dining hall, and I will brook no interference on this matter. Understood?"  
  
At first griefstricken, Nuriko took his hands away and started to nod solemnly before noticing Miaka slung over his majesty's shoulder, her posterior riding high in the air.  
  
"Oh, it's that little tramp again isn't it?! Is that what this is about?!?" he cried indignantly, pointing to the girl.  
  
Hotohori leaned in close with slit eyes, his nose mere centimeters from Nuriko's. "When I say I have important affairs to take care of..." He paused for dramatic effect. "It means LET ME THROUGH!!!"  
  
Nuriko fell over, and all was well in the world once again.  
  
Chichiri appeared in front of Hotohori seemingly from nowhere. "Your majesty! This is not an issue to be fought over, no d—" He turned and saw that Nuriko had already fallen and was twitching like a drugged-up fruitfly. "Ah... well I was a bit late this time... no da." (He then thought to himself: "Somebody really ought to tell his majesty to brush his teeth before any human contact in the morning.... no da.")  
  
Hotohori was beginning to grow impatient. His stomach - yea, his very soul - ached for the flavorful essence of waffles, and none but his fellow Celestial Warriors were getting in his way. Figures.  
  
"Chichiri, my stomach, yea, my very soul aches for the flavorful essence of waffles, and none but my fellow Celestial Warriors are getting in my way! I implore you to stand aside. Go tell Zhuge Liang to make this passage wider. It has been quite a bother as of late."  
  
Chichiri smiled. "Your majesty, there are plenty of waffles to sate your appetite as well as the rest of ours! Come to the dining hall, and you shall be pleasantly surprised. No da."  
  
Had the issue been something other than waffles, Hotohori would have indubitably shouted, "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO! DAMN DAMN COAL- BURNING DITHERING DING DING DING!!!" However, such was not the case, and waffles were foremost in his mind, above and beyond witty retorts, the priestess of Suzaku, beauty products, and let's not forget those pesky affairs of state. With strained patience, he nodded and followed Chichiri to the dining hall. Upon entering, his eyes were greeted by the ubiquitous glowing golden aura of piles upon stacks upon rows upon towers of fresh, yummy waffles. Indeed, for such an occasion a fancy tablecloth (the only kind the palace had) would be undesirable, thus in order to protect the table from sticky syrup messes a layer of waffles was arranged on the table beneath the stacks, covering the entire surface save a circular section in the center, where an industrial-size pot was sitting with a gigantic spoon sticking out of it.  
  
Hotohori's jaw dropped, and his tongue slowly rolled out over his chin, shining with salivary products.  
  
"In the pot," he said, making a half-hearted attempt to keep his salivary products in his mouth, "Cao Cao... what's in the pot, pray tell..."  
  
Cao Cao smiled his old crinkly smile, the corners of his mouth like cling-wrap bound tightly around a sandwich – a BLT, to be exactly precise.  
  
"Syrup, your highness," he said, "Four gallons of Sima Yi Sticky Syrupy Sauce, carried on the backs of three elephants all the way from XuChang." Never mind the difficulty of carrying a single pot on the backs of three gigantic beasts.  
  
Just then, a loud THUD was heard as Miaka slid from Hotohori's shoulder and hit the hard wood floor head-first. Several attendants rushed to the scene, rolling her on her back and checking her out. (^_~ ewww) Hotohori assumed an erect posture and a straight, closed-mouth face, and turned around, inwardly cringing at the thought of the vast quantities of waffles so close, and yet so far away from him.  
  
"Ba bababababa bababababaa..."  
  
The attendants whispered amongst themselves. "What's she saying?" "It's incoherent babble-talk..." "Has her mind regressed?" "Maybe it's an incantation from her world!" "Shh, shh!!! She's opening her mouth again...."  
  
"The joy of cola...." The still-unconscious Miaka sniffed the air. As if a cart of smelling salts had just toppled over her, her eyes popped open and she sat up, turning her head to see the glorious feast behind Hotohori. She jumped up, stretching her arms out to the fantastic display.  
  
"FUDD BLUB Blubb ohh head rush..." she slumped back to the floor, unconscious again, as clumsily and awkwardly as she had woken up. For some reason, Tasuki decided that now would be the best time to come out from under the table and show himself. He prowled over to her side, thinking himself a stealthy wolf, and she a fresh carcass.  
  
"Restrain yourself, Tasuki," said Hotohori, his voice quivering. His patience was being pulled thin as oleic acid*. "Take her to her room. And DON'T eat her, or you're not getting any waffles."  
  
Tasuki growled in disgruntled agreement, grabbed the collar of Miaka's uniform between his teeth, and scampered off, looking not like a majestic wolf with his prey, but more like a chimp dragging a rather large sack of potatoes... with his teeth.  
  
Hotohori turned and approached the table. The other constellations, as well as his own personal attendants, were standing around the table, uncomfortably watching this whole spectacle. He sat down at the head of the table.  
  
With more than a little glee dripping from his words, he proclaimed, "I bid you all to sit. Let breakfast commence."  
  
*Oleic acid spreads out over water so that it's one molecule thick. Or something like that. 


	3. Sima Yi's Syrupy Sacrilege

The sumptuous morning feast had begun. Tasuki and Nuriko shortly returned and took their places at the table, ready and eager to eat their hearts out with the others. By Hotohori's request, (as he soon felt guilty about leaving her in a room by herself), Cao Cao had tied Miaka to the chair at the opposite end of the table, so that perhaps in the absence of her conscious mind, her body and spirit could appreciate the sweet heavenly smells wafting about. As in the old fable, the spoon in the syrup pot was too big for people to pour syrup on their own waffles, thus the task soon became a struggle of teamwork. This teamwork soon boiled down to Hotohori spooning it up for everybody. He didn't mind, though; this just meant that he could serve conservatively and leave more to be served for him. He was the emperor, after all, and a most beautiful one at that. He deserved his syrup.  
  
When it came time to be served, Hotohori tossed the handle of the spoon over to Tamahome, who was sitting over on the far end next to Miaka. It slowly floated through the goop in a graceful arc, landing on the other side of the pot within reach of Tamahome. He took the handle in both hands and clumsily lifted up a big spoonful of the ambrosia, reaching over to Hotohori's plate and slowly pouring it in luxurious folds over his six-some waffles. When this was accomplished, he returned the spoon to the pot and started kissing Miaka, trying to wake her up (or was he?). His majesty proceeded to dip one finger into a syrup-filled squares and slowly lifted it up to his lips. The guests turned their heads to watch him, waiting eagerly for the signal for them to eat.  
  
He sniffed the syrup on his finger daintily, and then cautiously, ever-so-carefully licked it off his finger. The others immediately started digging in like the ravenous beasts they were, but he held his hand up, gesturing for them to stop. Before anybody had taken a single bite, they had all frozen in place, as if they were in suspended animation.  
  
"Wait," said Hotohori, slowly lowering his hand and looking suspiciously at his finger, "Wait...."  
  
Cao Cao hobbled over to his side. "What seems to be the matter, sire? Is there a hair in it?"  
  
He shook his head. "No," he said, his expression and voice growing ever somber and serious. "Cao Cao, where did you say this syrup came from?"  
  
"Sima Yi's Sticky Syrupy Sauce, brought over from Xu Chang, milord."  
  
Hotohori quickly rose to his feet, pushing his chair behind him, to the surprise of, well, everybody. "Something's not right. I know Sima Yi's Sauce. It doesn't taste like that." He took a few steps away from the table. "And you know, being called 'milord' and 'sire' and 'your majesty' gets REALLY OLD after awhile."  
  
Cao Cao bowed his head. "I don't know what to say, mi- ...Hotohori. What could be the problem?"  
  
Chichiri closed his eyes and touched his fingers to his forehead, concentrating hard on something. "I sense..." he whispered, drawing the attention of all, even the emperor. It was sometimes suspicious to Hotohori how Chichiri seemed to just "know" things, but he knew them nonetheless, and so he in turn knew it was best to keep quiet and not disturb his "knowing-things" chi.  
  
"I sense... yes, something malicious in the air. A skein of evil in the tapestry of the air around us. No da." He turned his face to Hotohori, keeping his eyes closed. "Hotohori, if your intuition is telling you something about the syrup in specific, by all means, listen to it... no da."  
  
"Are you saying," said Nuriko, "this stuff is poisoned??"  
  
Tasuki spit out the bolus of waffle he'd sneakily placed in his mouth. "Oh, y'GOT t'be KIDDING me! Ecch!"  
  
Tamahome winced. "Perhaps another concoction of Nakago's?..."  
  
"Certainly not Nakago – poison's too easy for his taste. No da! And probably not poison. Anything potent enough to be of any harm to us would be easy for me to detect. No da."  
  
Mitsukake, who had been silently listening the whole time, lifted a waffle covered in syrup and sniffed it. "What could this be, then? It does indeed have a peculiar scent to it..."  
  
Hotohori turned to Cao Cao. "Fetch me my horse. I'm going to Xu Chang!"  
  
(A/N: Don't worry because this chapter wasn't very hoolarious. The humor is subtle. More like a chocolate bar over the entire story than a bowl of M&Ms. Or maybe it's like an M&M cookie. One of those enormous cookies that you just look at and say, wow, that's a big cookie, and the M&Ms are good too. Ateehee!) 


	4. Some people just have issues

"Hotohori! You can't just leave your kingdom—"  
  
"Cao Cao, you aren't holding me back this time. Something's wrong. There's danger afoot. How can you expect me to rest easy in a land where people can't even experience the taste of the finest syrup without fear? My kingdom is depending on me. And I must fulfill my duty. I must protect the syrup. And then we can all forget. Forget. ...Forget."  
  
Tasuki leaned over and whispered to Tamahome,"I think he's lost't." Tamahome, entraced by Miaka's vacant stare, uttered nary a word in reply.  
  
"My horse, Cao Cao," he said before purposefully heading off to his chamber. After all, t'would be most inappropriate for him to go fighting crime in just a bathrobe. Cao Cao hesitantly bowed his head and signalled to the servants for his majesty's horse to be readied and brought into the courtyard.  
  
Nuriko sighed, half dreamily, half sadly. ("My hero!" he thought to himself.) "Hotohori," he said, "What do you wish us to do for you?"  
  
Hotohori paused in his tracks and assumed a pensive expression. "Chichiri, I want you to become me and rule for the time being." Chichiri nodded in agreement. "Nuriko, you and Mitsukake are to remain at the palace to advise your new emperor and look after Miaka. Tamahome and Tasuki... Tamahome... and Tasuki..." He turned his head to look at the two. Tamahome had given up on Miaka, and the two were now engrossed in a rousing round of Patty-cake.  
  
"Patty-cake! Patty-cake! Bake me a pie!"  
  
"Hurry yer butt or I'll poke ya in th'eye!" The two giggled quietly at their tomfoolery.  
  
"You two... If I find that Qudong is behind all this, I will not hesitate to take military action. I need both of you to recruit competent officers and have our army trained and assembled in the next month."  
  
"Sir yes sir!" the two barked, straightening their backs and saluting in unison. They then exchanged glances and giggled at their shenanigans. Mitsukake covered his eyes with his hand and let out a heavy sigh as the emperor disappeared into his chamber.  
  
Hotohori emerged a few minutes later sporting mildly sexy casual attire, similar to Tamahome's daily outfit but a tad more flattering, especially in the torso region. Chichiri had already shapeshifted and was sitting on the floor in front of the throne with his legs crossed, lost deep in thought, perhaps even asleep. Or maybe it was that "knowing-things" chi again. You never could tell with Chichiri. Tamahome and Tasuki were still sitting at the table, playing tic-tac-toe by punching out squares of nearby waffles. Every now and then one would grab a nearby waffle and start munching on it. After all, even if the syrup seemed fishy there was no reason to let such a bounty of fine, crispy-crunchy-tender-flaky waffles go to waste. Nuriko had busied himself with making feeble attempts at bringing Miaka back to the conscious world. He was hit with the vague sense that perhaps something was seriously wrong with her, but at this point neither he nor anybody in the room really cared. Mitsukake was brushing his cat.  
  
"Kitty!" he would coo with each stroke. "Trouble kitty!" Trouble, of course, was the cat's name. At the time of naming, Mitsukake had narrowed it down to either that or "Sorry".  
  
Hotohori gazed at the spectacle. It was as if there was a party, namely, HIS birthday party, and he hadn't been invited.  
  
"I have arrived!" he declared in a booming voice. Everybody stopped what they were doing and looked at him. "....As you were." And thusly, they became as they were. Cao Cao came up to Hotohori and handed him a sack filled with waffles. "Ah, Cao Cao, you always are there to fill my gaps of foresight. I thank you for your consideration."  
  
Cao Cao bowed. "If you insist on going, I can only pray for your safe return. There is money in a smaller sack within that one, as well as a canteen of fresh—"  
  
Hotohori cut him off, chuckling. "You needn't worry so much about me, dear Cao Cao. I would never leave if it would possibly result in my death. I couldn't abandon you all like that. And Miaka..." He gazed over at the vegetable that Miaka had become, and sighed heavily, his heart sinking with a familiar weight: the weight of sorrow in knowing that in truth, he wouldn't be seeing that glowing, radiant smile for a long time, perhaps never again if he was... no, that couldn't happen. He wouldn't let that happen. He turned back to Cao Cao, his back straightening with a new determination. A determination to triumph... for her sake. "The horse?"  
  
"In the courtyard, as you requested."  
  
"Thank you, Cao Cao." Hotohori advanced toward the great front door, stopping in front of it to face the others. "I bid thee farewell for now."  
  
Chichiri looked up from his trance, or whatever it is he was doing. "Have a safe journey, but never forget what it is that you're truly searching for."  
  
Hotohori didn't quite get this, but he figured as long as Chichiri knew what he was talking about, this was fine by him. "Nuriko..." he said softly, looking at him. "Take care of Miaka..."   
  
Nuriko looked into his eyes, searching them. Behind the wall of cold, yet fiery determination, he saw an inner grief that could never be communicated. It was the grief that one could only understand through empathy – a vague pain in the chest, as if an unseen force had taken an icy vice-grip and was squeezing, slowly and painfully. Hotohori had been showing this emotion very frequently as of late. Nuriko wasn't sure of what it resulted from, but it broke his heart in two every time he saw that expression of indescribable sorrow in his majesty's eyes. All he could do was nod solemnly and promise to the emperor, and to himself, never to let danger befall Miaka... the priestess of Suzaku. Hotohori disappeared into the courtyard. Nuriko looked at Miaka, who was now drooling down her front with her chin resting on her chest, and shook his head. That such tragedy could result from such a blessing saddened him deeply, yet he would do his best to make sure that blessing would be smiling and happy when the emperor finally did come back.  
  
Hotohori approached his horse and fastened the bag securely to the saddle. He patted the gorgeous snow-white beauty on the neck, admiring its silky mane that flowed down over its shoulder like liquid silver. It was almost as beautiful as his own hair, Hotohori thought to himself absently.  
  
"Come, Kitten," he said softly. He hopped on, and the two galloped into the distance.  
  
***  
  
Author's Notes: Sorry I was so lazy about writing and posting this chapter. I can only hope I'll get better...  
  
XuChang is, most likely WAS a city somewhere in central China. I get all non-FY city names and people-names from the Romance of the Three Kingdoms games. Since it's based on a historical period, it's not stealing! I think! Arglebargle?  
  
And. I PROMISE this will start to make sense soon, unless you think it already makes sense, in which case, great! The story now separates into three different segments, following three different stories: Hotohori and Kitten (great name huh?), Tamahome and Tasuki, and Nuriko, Miaka, Chichiri, Mitsukake and Trouble. I've yet to decide whether each segment will be longer, as separate chapters, or as shorter segments within larger, varied chapters. Somebody please tell me their preference. I suck at making decisions. 


End file.
